Conflict is unavoidable but manageable

In the past few days, I have been taking courses on Conflict Management in the Workplace. We all face conflict whether it be at workplaces or in our homes and believe me, no team will agree on everything, so disagreements and conflicts are inevitable.

As a good student of Joeel & Natalie Rivera, serial entrepreneurs, authors, speakers, and educators, I wish to share with you some insightful tips of managing your emotions and remaining calm as a way of de escalating a conflict at workplace.

Renowned therapist John Gottman says that “Ninety-six percent of conversations that start badly will end badly.” There is truth to this statement. When handling a conflict, whether it is your own or someone else’s, the most important factor is how the conversation begins. And the most important factor for that will be your emotional state. This is why the ability to regulate your emotions and remain calm is so important.

Check-In: The first step to take is to check in with yourself to see how you feel about the situation.

·       Are you feeling nervous, angry, apprehensive, or otherwise uncomfortable about the conflict itself?

·       How are you feeling about having to manage the situation through confronting it?

·       Do you have any negative feelings toward anyone involved?

·       Are these feelings due to any preconceived notions or biases?

·       If so, might your assumptions be wrong? What may you not know? What else may be going on?

·       What negative impact will holding these biases have on the situation?
 

Cool Off: Conflicts can’t be solved when emotion levels are high. If you or the other parties that will be addressed are in a high intensity or negative emotional state, allow for a cooling-off period before approaching a discussion. De-escalate the situation before moving forward.

While you may not be able to completely influence the emotional state of the other parties, you can take control of yourself. If you are upset, take a step back, breathe deep, and gain some emotional distance before trying to talk things out.

Don’t wait until you’re in a challenging situation to decide how to calm yourself down. Instead, take a moment now to brainstorm five things that make you feel better when you’re upset. Examples could be:

·       breathing deeply while making a calming statement

·       looking at the sky

·       clearing your desk or straightening up

·       splashing cold water on the face

·       writing your thoughts down

·       taking a quick walk

Determine what works for you and then use it next time you’re upset or facing a conflict.

Stay Calm: Once the confrontation has started and the others involved are reacting, it takes staying calm to stay focused. Your best tool for staying calm is to breathe. If you find yourself getting emotional:

·       Take a slow, deep breath

·       Hold it for 5 seconds

·       Count to five

Doing this helps you gain control of your thoughts and calm down. Do this discretely so the other person doesn’t notice what you’re doing. By remaining calm and centred, you avoid being reactive and can keep the conversation focused on your desired outcomes.

Don’t Get Sucked In: Empathy is great. It is important to empathize with the parties involved so you can understand how they feel and predict how they may react. However, if you empathize with them during the conversation or conflict, while they’re feeling frustrated, defensive, or angry, you’ll take on those same feelings. Getting emotional yourself does not benefit the situation. Some people can be dramatic and even attempt to get a reaction out of you, such as by accusing, blaming, or playing the victim. It is important to remember that your emotions are your own and that being impacted by or empathizing with another person’s emotions is a choice.

  You can disengage emotionally by:

·       taking a deep breath

·       breaking eye contact regularly

·       making sure you are not mirroring their body language or posture.

You can use these useful tips to manage conflicts and make them constructive, when they do occur.